>>Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, YOU
KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM “THE OFFICE REQUESTING AND” EXTRAS
“AND NOW ON HIS FIRST STANDUP TOUR IN SEVEN YEARS, PLEASE
WELCOME RICKY GERVAIS. (APPLAUSE) ♪
>>Stephen: NICE SEEING YOU.>>WHAT A LOVELY AUDIENCE.>>Stephen: MARVELOUS PEOPLE.>>IT SEEMS TO STRANGE TO SPOIL
IT.>>Stephen: WE COULD JUST SIT
HERE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEY COULD PROJECT ON TO US THAT
THIS IS GOING BE TO BE AN INTERESTING KFERTIONZ.>>THEY’RE LOVELY.>>Stephen: WE HAD A VERY
INTERESTING CONVERSATION LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE.>>WE DID.>>Stephen: WE DEBATED THE
EXISTENCE OF GOD. I SMOKED YOU.>>AND WHERE DID IT GET US. NOWHERE. SO WHAT’S THE POINT.>>Stephen: WELL, HELL IN THE
END, I SUPPOSE.>>NO, YOU’LL BE ALL RIGHT. I’M GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I
DON’T BELIEVE IN HIM.>>Stephen: I AM GOING TO HELL
BECAUSE I DO BELIEVE IN IT. JUST BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN HELL
DOESN’T MEAN YOU WON’T GO, YOU PROBABLY WILL BECAUSE I’M A
SINNER.>>YEAH, WE’RE ALL SINNERS,
AREN’T WE, ACCORDING TO YOUR LOT.>>Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT AND
WE’RE ONLY SAVED BY THE GRACE OF GOD.>>SURE.>>Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW, WE
DON’T DESERVE T WE DON’T DESERVE IT, RICKY. SO WHAT– WELL, I GOT NO
GUARANTEE I’M GOING TO HEAVEN. ONLY ONE PERSON IS GUARANTEED
ENTRANCE INTO HEAVEN.>>WHO IS THAT.>>Stephen: THE GOOD THIEF WHO
WAS HANGING NEXT TO KLEIST WHO SAID THIS VERY DAY SHALL YOU BE
WITH ME IN PARADISE. THAT IS WHAT HE SAID, KLEIST,
BOOM, TBAIF HIM A STAMP, VALIDATED HIS PARKING RIGHT
THERE.>>BUT WASN’T KLEIST GOD IN A
DIFFERENT FORM.>>Stephen: BOTH GOD AND MAN,
YEAH.>>BUT HE, GOD WAS JESUS, WASN’T
HE.>>Stephen: THREE PERSONS IN
ONE GOD, YEAH.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: THE BED ROCK OF
WESTERN CIVILIZATION.>>SO HE– SO HE KNEW HE WAS
SENDING HIMSELF TO EARTH TO DIE FOR OUR SINS AND THEN GO TO
HEAVEN.>>Stephen: YEAH, BECAUSE HE
SEES ALL TIME AT ONCE.>>SOUNDS A BIT FAR FETCHED TO
ME. (LAUGHTER).>>Stephen: I COMPLETELY
AGREE. I COMPLETELY AGREE, YEAH. RELIGION IS THE CRAZY STORY THAT
IT’S OKAY WITH YOU TO BELIEVE IN, YOU KNOW. IT’S OKAY FOR ME TO BELIEVE MY
RELIGIOUS STORY. EVERYBODY ELSE’S RELIGIOUS STORY
IS A CULT. (LAUGHTER)
>>YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH.>>EXACTLY. YOUR GOD IS REAL, ALL THE OTHER
GODS ARE SILLY MADE UP NONSENSE, BUT NOT YOURS.>>Stephen: THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHY MY GOD IS GREATER
THAN EVERY OTHER GOD.>>EXACTLY, YES.>>Stephen: NOW YOU ARE IN A
WORLD COMEDY TOUR.>>I AM, INDEED.>>Stephen: WHERE IN THE
WORLD.>>YOU WOULDN’T THINK SO.>>Stephen: PART OF THE WORLD,
WE’RE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. WHAT CONSTITUTES THE WORLD FOR
RICKY GERVAIS, WHEN YOU SAY THE WORLD TOUR, IN AMERICA WE HAVE
THE WORLD SERIES BUT IT IS JUST US.>>EXACTLY. AND SAME OF MR. UNIVERSE ALWAYS
COMES FROM EARTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.>>Stephen: YEAH.>>IT’S A FIX. IT’S A FIX.>>Stephen: YEAH.>>I EVEN PUT ON THE POST BEFORE
THE TICKETS WENT ON SALE, RICKY GERVAIS LIVE COMING TO A TOWN
NEAR YOU IF A TOWN NEAR YOU HAD ANARENA AND A FIVE STAR HOT WELL
A HELIPAD.>>Stephen: SO YOU DON’T– YOU
ROUGH IT.>>I STAY IN HOSTILES AND
RIDDICK DOES– I DO, YEAH, WHY I GO LIVE IN A CAVE IN IRAQ. WHY WOULD I DO THAT.>>Stephen: THERE’S SOMETHING
IN BETWEEN THOSE TWO.>>YEAH, NORMAL PEOPLE, EVERYONE
ELSE.>>Stephen: CLEVELAND.>>YEAH, NO, I DO. I MAKE IT VERY EASY FOR MYSELF. I TWO OR THREE DAYS ON AND FOUR
DAYS OFF, SO YEAH, MY WORLD TOUR IS TAKING ME A YEAR CUZ OF ALL
THE DAYS OFF IN BETWEEN, YEAH.>>Stephen: YOU HAVEN’T DONE
THE STANDUP TOUR IN SEVEN YEARS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.>>SEVEN YEARS IF YOU DON’T
COUNT THE GOLDEN GLOBES, WHICH YOU SHOULDN’T.>>Stephen: I DO HAVE
QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT IN A MINUTE, WE’LL GET BACK TO THAT.>>OKAY, SURE.>>Stephen: SO WHY GO BACK TO
IT AFTER SEVEN YEARS IN.>>YOU KNOW WHAT, I ALWAYS
THOUGHT STANDUP WAS THE FIRST THING I DID, AS A WRITER,
DIRECTOR OR ACTOR. AND IT ALWAYS GOT PUSHED BACK. I’VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS. BUT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME I
THINK IT IS THE FAVORITE THING I DO. IT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE THAT
PEOPLE ARE COMING OUT TO SEE YOU. YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT. THERE ARE NO RESTRICTIONS, IT’S
JUST YOUR OWN MORALITY AND 10,000 STRARYNGS IT IS A REAL
PRIVILEGE. AND I THINK I’M FINALLY A GOODS
STANDUP. AND THAT SOUNDS WEIRD AND
EVERYBODY THAT CAME TO SEE ME BEFORE THERE, YOU’RE NOT GETTING
YOUR MONEY BACK. BUT I’M SAYING NOW, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK IT IS, I THINK IT IS SEVEN YEARS OFF, AND I SORT
OF MISS IT. AND ALSO I HAVE REACHED THE AGE,
BECAUSE I’M OLD, I’VE GOTS OLD PEOPLE RIGHTS SO I CAN SAY
WHATEVER THE WHREEP [BLEEP] I WANT. AND I’M NOT A MANIAC. I DON’T GO OUT TO OFFEND, THAT’S
TOO EASY. BUT YOU JUST, IT JUST HAPPENS.>>Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT OFFENDS YOU?>>EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME. HONESTLY, NOISY EATERS,
PEOPLE– EATING LAKE THAT. OH, GOD, LATENESS, PEOPLE WHO
ARE LATE, I CAN’T STAND IT. I’M ALWAYS EARLY.>>Stephen: YOU ARE PUNK
ACTUAL.>>I’M EARLY SO IF THEY RAY BIT
LATE THEY ARE TWICE AS LATE AS I THINK THEY ARE AND I’M FURIOUS. I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE ANYONE
WOULD BE LATE TO MEET ME. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? IT’S CRAZY. IT’S– DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? PLAWS PLAWLS.>>Stephen: WHISTLING.>>WHISTLING, WHEN PEOPLE REALLY
LOUDLY WHISTLE, AND CHANGING ROOMS, PEOPLE
WHISTLING– THEY’RE BASICALLY– .>>Stephen: LIKE A LOCKER
ROOM.>>A MAN WALKING AROUND NAKED
WHISTLING IS BAIFLT GOING I’M IN THE LOOKING AT YOUR [BLEEP]
THAT’S ALL– IT’S JUST– AND SNIFFING, OH, THIS IS THE WORST
NOISE IN THE WORLD.>>Stephen: SNIFFING IN THE
LOCKER ROOM.>>NO, NO, NO. (LAUGHTER).>>Stephen: I DIDN’T KNOW.>>YES, I KNOW.>>Stephen: YOU PUT THOSE TWO
IDEAS TOGETHER IN MY BRAIN.>>WHY– WHY ARE YOU SNIFFING.>>Stephen: AND THEN HE
GOES.>>I KNOW, NO, PEOPLE WHO DO
THIS. OH, YOU PIG. I HATE IT. SO EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME. YES.>>Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO
ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. IS THIS PART OF THE WORLD TOUR,
WHAT IS THIS?>>YEAH, I WAS– THAT’S ME IN A
BATH IN MY HOTEL IN ICELANDER, RJEVIK IS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON
THE TOUR SO FAR, I HAVEN’T PLAYED NEW YORK YET, I’M PLAYING
THIS WEEKEND.>>Stephen: ARE TICKETS STILL
AVAILABLE?>>NO, I’M PUTTING– NO, THIS
ONE IS SOLD OUT, MADISON SQUARE GARDEN BUT I’M PUTTING ANOTHER
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON SALE TOMORROW, FRIDAY, 10 A.M. THANKS FOR ASKING.>>Stephen: SO THE PICTURE.>>THIS IS ME AND I TRY AND DO A
BATH PIC WHERE I EVER I AM THE WORLD. I GO TO A NOVELTY SHOP AND GET
THAT, AND SMEER MYSELF– LOOK AT THAT, THOSE ARE REAL BREASTS AS
WELL, THERE’S NO– THOSE ARE REAL PUPPIES DOWN THERE.>>Stephen: THE CAPTION SAYS
AFTER ONLY ONE DAY IN ICELAND.>>YEAH, EXACTLY.>>Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO IN
ICELAND, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO.>>IT’S JUST BEAUTIFUL, IT’S
GREAT, THE THE GEOGRAPHY, THE PEOPLE ARE GREAT.>>Stephen: WHAT MAKES THEM
LAUGH, WHAT MAKES.>>ME.>>Stephen: ENGLISH, THEY
SPEAK ENOUGH ENGLISH.>>THEY SPEAK BETTER ENGLISH
THAN WE DO, HONESTLY, THE WHOLE OF SCANDINAVIA, THERE IS NO
LANGUAGE BARRIER. MOST OF EUROPE SPEAKS FANTASTIC
ENGLISH.>>Stephen: THEY BELIEVE IN
ELVES IN ICELAND.>>THEY DON’T REALLY.>>Stephen: THEY DO. NO, THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE, THE
MAJORITY OF ICELANDERS ACTUALLY BELIEVE– NO, AS ADULTS, THEY
WILL BUILD ROADS LAKE SAY THERE IS A ROCK OUTCROPPING RIGHT HERE
THAT IS TRADITIONALLY THE HOME OF LIKE THESE ELFISH CREATURES,
THEY WILL BUILD IT AROUND IT RATHER THAN DISTURB THE HOME OF
THE ELF, THAT IS WHY I WANT TO TO ICELAND BECAUSE I’M A HUGE
TOLL KEEN FAN WHICH I KNOW ARE YOU NOT, YOU ARE NOT A FAN OF
JRR TOLL KEEN. AND WHY AREN’T– TOLKIEN,
BECAUSE WHY AREN’T YOU, YOU HAVE THE– YOU COULD BE A HOBBIT. YOU HAVE THE LOOK.>>THERE IS A CON SPIRS SEE.>>Stephen: NO, JUST SEEMS
NATURAL.>>I’VE GOT HOBBIT’S FEET.>>Stephen: YEAH, YOU DON’T
LIKE TOLKIEN.>>AND HUGE TESTICLES THAT EVERY
HOBBIT HAS.>>Stephen: THAT’S TRUE.>>THEY JUST NEVER IN ITS FILM,
EITHER, ENORMOUS TESTICLES.>>Stephen: THEY WOULD HAVE
LOST THEIR RATING, THEY WOULD HAVE LOST THEIR RATING. THERE IS AN UNCUT THERE IS AN
UNCUT VERSION, THAT’S IN THE DIRECTOR’S CUT. WHY DON’T YOU LIKE TOLKIEN, I
DON’T UNDERSTAND.>>BECAUSE IT’S NONSENSE.>>Stephen: IT’S FANTASY, WHAT
DID YOU MEAN, WHAT’S WRONG WITH NONSENSE?>>WELL.>>Stephen: DOES EVERYTHING
HAVE TO BE TRUE TO YOU.>>OKAY, I’M A CATHOLIC.>>Stephen: WELCOME. WELCOME ABOARD.>>
>>Stephen: SO I WON THE DEBATE.>>IF NONSENSE IS OKAY, I’M IN.>>Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.>>AND CAN I DRINK AS MUCH RED
WINE AS I WANT.>>Stephen: RIGHT, BECAUSE
IT’S NOT WINE ANY MORE.>>IT’S NOT WINE ANY MORE. I’M ABSOLUTELY OFF MY [BLEEP] ON
THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE).>>Stephen:
SPEAKING– SPEAKING, SPEAKING OF BEING OFF YOUR [BLEEP], LET’S
GET BACK TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES FOR A SECOND. YOU HAVE HOSTED THAT A FEW
TIMES.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: AND I’M HOSTING,
YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB. I’M HOSTING THE EMMYS IN THE
FALL. YOU CAN GIVE ME ANY ADVICE–
(APPLAUSE) OTHER THAN, LIKE OTHER THAN LIKE
PISSING OFF EARN IN THE ROOM OR SHOULD DO YOU THAT, IS IT A GOOD
THING TO DO?>>I DON’T TRY TO, BUT AGAIN, I
THINK WHEN YOU DO THOSE THINGS, WITH THE GOLDEN GLOBES I HAVE A
CHOICE AS A COMEDIAN, DO I PANDER TO 200 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM
OR THE 200 MILLION PEOPLE WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD. AND THERE IS NO CONTEST, YOU
KNOW. I PLAY IT FOR THE AUDIENCE AT
HOME. BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT WINNING
AWARDS. I’M THE FAT GUY AT HOME ON THE
COUCH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. SO I SORT OF– I DON’T– I’M NOT
THAT NASTY. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE EMMY
VOTE IS THEN BECAUSE I’M UP FOR EMMY CONSIDERATION FOR– LIFE ON
THE ROAD, BEST TV MOVIE AND BEST TELEVISION.>>Stephen: ARE YOU A VOTER.>>I DON’T THINK THEY ASKED ME
TO VOTE.>>Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER WON
AN EMMY.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: THEN ARE YOU
AUTOMATICALLY IN TO VOTE.>>I HAVE WON TWO BUT I LOST 21.>>Stephen: OH, WOW.>>THAT’S TERRIBLE– .>>Stephen: THAT IS PRETTY
BAD.>>THAT IS A TERRIBLE BATTING
AVERAGE.>>Stephen: YEAH, WOW. I THOUGHT WERE YOU TALENTED, I
DIDN’T KNOW.>>YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I THINK
IT’S A BIG JOKE. THEY’RE LIKE COME TO L.A. YOU
ARE GOING TO WIN, AM I? NOU.>>Stephen: LOUIS C.K.>>I THINK FUN– .>>Stephen: YOU CAN DRINK AT
THE GOLDEN GLOBES.>>THAT’S THE THING. THE GOLDEN GLOBES IS PROBABLY
BETTER TO BE AT THAN HOST THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING DRUNK
AND YOU DON’T CARE. WHEREAS THE EMMYS THEY ARE ALL
SITTING THERE AND BUT THEY ARE SOBER SO IT IS GOOD TO PERFORM
AT BUT– WHEN I’M UP FOR EMMYS WHICH IS EVERY YEAR, I DON’T WIN
THEM. BUT THEY SAY DO YOU WANT TO HAND
ONE OUT. AND I ALWAYS SAY YES BECAUSE I
KNOW THERE WILL BE A BREAK AND I WILL GET BACKSTAGE AND HAVE A
BEER. BECAUSE IT IS THREE HOURS
WITHOUT A BEEF WATCHING IT. SO BASICALLY, BLOOD OF CHRIST,
THAT’S ALL I SAY– SAY,.>>Stephen: DONE, PEACE BE
WITH YOU. RICKY IN NEW YORK AND L.A.,
TICKETS GO ON SALE TOMORROW. RICKY GERVAIS, EVERYBODY.